Entry tags:

all about me, mr. a, uncategorized

All for One or One for All

Originally published at American Family. Please leave any comments there.

So, I never went back and explained clearly that we are not moving.  Mr. A withdrew his application for those jobs.   Looking back on it all, it is kind of funny how it happened…

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

Fall 2007,  after seven or eight months in baby jail.

Mr. A: “There is this interesting thing at work that is related to China.  Some people at the company want to try to get some China business.”

Me: “OMG, you should totally DO IT.  Get a job in China.  Then we can all live there!   You PROMISED we could live overseas for a year.  Let’s do it!  We can make it happen!”

Mr. A: “Uh, that isn’t exactly how it works…I don’t really speak enough chinese to work there…I am not actually interested in that kind of law….”

Me: “Ok, so you won’t work as a lawyer!  Let’s just get teaching jobs!  It will be so AWESOME!  A year off!  Yippee!”

Mr. A: “Uh, I’m not so sure….”

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

Christmas 2007

Me: “Merry Christmas Mr. A!  I know you have some concerns that taking a year off to go to China will wreck your career, but I heard a thing on NPR and I bought you this book!  It says a year off is good for you!”

Mr. A: “But if I take a year off, it really WILL be bad for my career…”

Me: “Ssshhhhh!!!  Did you read the book?  The book has all the answers.  Read the book.  We are GOING TO CHINA.  It is my LIFE’s DREAM.”

Mr. A: “Ok, I will read the book.”

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

January 2008

Mr.A: “I read the book.”

Me: “Yay! I am glad you came around to my side!  We can go to China!”

Mr. A: “Actually the book says when people start thinking about a sabbaticals they start reassessing their lives and look at their dreams.  Going to China is actually YOUR dream.  I was thinking when we came back, maybe I can get MY dream job.  It would be a big pay cut and we would have to move but…..”

Me: “What!!???!  But….China…..our families…the mortgage…a year off was already going to be really, really expensive….”

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

Later in January 2008, on a long car trip.

Me: “So are you really unhappy with your job now?”

Mr. A: “No, my job is good.  But this other job is like my wet dream job!”

Me: “So that is what would make you happy?

Mr. A: “Yes, but we would probably have to move.”

Me (looking out the window at the freezing cold and grey midwestern landscape): ”Who cares about this place?  The weather sucks!  And I guess I want you to be happy.  Ok, Let’s move!”

Me: “If it really makes you happy, I guess I can just give up my dream of a year in China since there is no way we can afford to do both.”

Mr. A: “You mean it?  YAY!  And I wasn’t really that interested in living in China anyway, because I have already done that…”

Me: “…but I haven’t…”

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

Spring 2008.  Mr. A applies for new jobs.  I begin massive home repairs.

Mr. A: ”OMG!  I have all these connections to get these jobs!  I know I can get one sooner or later!”

Me:  “Shhh.  I am painting and hammering and sanding so I can block out all thoughts of the long-term impact of this move.  But yay.  I want you to be happy.   You better be happy, dammit.”

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

Spring 2008

Mr. A: “I feel really conflicted.  I don’t want to move.”

Me: “LA LA LA! Paint is in my ears! I can’t hear you! We are moving!  To make you happy! Be happy dammit!”

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

Mr. A: “I am really worried about moving.  What if my dad dies while we are gone?  What if this is his only chance to be close to the girls and I am taking them away?”

Me:  “Seriously, we are moving.  For you.  Because this will make you happy.  You want that job, right?”

Mr. A: “Yes….but I am worried…”

Me: “Mr. A, I am trying to be your cheerleader.  Please don’t make me be the one to convince you to take this job if you are conflicted.  This whole thing is making my life really hard.  There is only so much I can take…”

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

Mr. A: “I have an interview in Chicago!”

Me: “crap.  I mean, YAY!”

Interview happens, Mr. A is rejected.  Mr. A is mopey.  I am happy, but feel guilty.

Old life resumes.  We pretend we aren’t moving.  Our small midwestern town is shiney and happy.  Birds are chirping.  Flowers are blooming.  I realize that I always hate the midwest in winter, but I love it the rest of the year.  I have agreed to something that may be a terrible mistake.  Life is good here.  But we are committed to moving, so I move on to landscaping…

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

Mr. A gets another interview in D.C.

Me: “This is TERRIBLE!  I shouldn’t have agreed!  I don’t want to move!  I like our life!  SOB SOB SOB.  The flowers!  The birds!  The new playroom in the basement!”

Mr. A: “Ok, I won’t take the interview.  You don’t want to move.”

Me: “What?  But you want the job!  Tell me about the job…”

Mr. A:  “Well, it is a job that could do XYZ and change the whole course of my career and I would be a SUPER HUGE ROCKSTAR LAWYER!  But I am not taking the interview because you are sad.”

Me: “I need to go think alone for a little bit.”

An hour later.  After a long angsty phone call with a friend and a lot of soul searching.

Me: “OK, take the interview.  We can make this work.”

Mr. A: “Ok! Yippee”

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

The next day.  Mr. A comes home from work.

Mr.A: “Oh, by the way, I called about that job.  It turns out it wasn’t what I thought it was.  So I don’t want to interview.”

Me: “Are you kidding me?”   Pounds head on table.

 

 

(((((((((((((wavy dream sequence special effects)))))))))))))))))))

A few days later.

Mr. A: “Wow, this process is really stressful.”

Me: “Yes.”

Mr. A:  “In another couple weeks, a job offer will mean that M has to move in the middle of kindergarten.  I don’t want her to have to do that.”

Me: “Yes.”

Mr. A:  “And actually, neither of us really want to move.”

Me: “Yes.”

Mr. A: “And my job isn’t actually that bad…and there are other good jobs around here anyway.”

Me: “That is your call. I want you to be happy.  You said the job would make you happy, so that is what we were going to do.”

Mr. A:  “Is moving going to make you unhappy?”

Me:  “Probably, but we will survive.”

Mr. A:  “But I am actually pretty happy here…well, maybe we should just stay here then.”

Me: “That would make life a lot easier.”

 

The End.

 

That is how both Mr. A and I flirted with fulfilling our life’s dreams, but then we each let our dream go. 

I think we both realized that a good marriage is not necessarily about getting the most important thing for one of us.  Instead, our marriage works because we are both willing to compromise for each other and our kids. 

While we may not be bohemian globetrotters or super duper legal rockstars, the life we have together is pretty damn good.