Originally published at American Family. Please leave any comments there.

Wow, I am so shocked that I was not completely buried in comments by adoptive parents who believe exactly what I believe!   No seriously, if I thought you were all going to agree with me, I wouldn’t have put in the part about throwing the rotten tomatoes. Heh.

A few points I wanted to elaborate on a little from the comments on the last post.  My apologies because I simply do not have the time to reply to every argument in every one of the very long comments.  I am going to use a few quotes to touch on points that stuck out to me in multiple comments. You were all just a little too comment-prolific today.:

Christine says:

“I did nothing to contribute to L’s situation being what it was, and nor did you. Nor did either of us contribute the situations of the other 15 million orphans in China….Worldwide, there are an estimated 50-200 million orphans. Less than 2% of those children will be adopted into families. ”

Did we contribute to the creation of all these “orphans” in China, many of who are not orphans at all but children who are abandoned due to one of the most blatent human-rights violating laws currently enforced anywhere in the world?  Maybe we didn’t directly contribute, but what did we do to prevent it?   Is there a global outcry against these human rights abuses?  Are their trade sanctions like those we enacted against South Africa when they were under apartheid?  Do we look the other way so we can buy $7.00 Tshirts at Target? 

As for the global orphan crisis (and I will agree it is a crisis) maybe less than 2 percent will be adopted into families, but of those 143 million orphans (in 2004) 90% are in some kind of kinship care.  In most of the world most of the time, when parents die or can’t care for their children, extended families step in.  To me, a better question is how do we make sure that the remaining 10% of orphans can remain with their extended families? 

And in a world where there are 143 million orphans, why are we in the U.S. still shaming unwed/teenage mothers into relinquishing their children who are not orphans at all?  In many cases, these infants have parents who are perfectly capable of parenting them successfully if they were provided adequate support (financial, educational, child care etc.). 

That was what I was trying to say,  that adoption should be a last resort.  Only to be used after every single other option for keeping a child in his or her family of origin has been exhausted. 

My good friend C says:

“I agree with you about the $5,000 being a reasonable amount, but I have to admit that it does make me nervous because I think they higher number does increase the potential for corruption. Unfortunately, it is definitely the orphanage donation in some places that is undermining an ethical system in some places in China.”  When we considered is that when there is corruption on an individual level, like that in the Hunan scandal, it appears to involve children who were voluntarily relinquished.

Yes there is corruption in the Chinese adoption system.  Hell, there is corruption in every single layer of the Chinese government.  Mr. A and I knew this without a doubt when we entered into L’s adoption.  We felt comfortable that most of the evidence of corruption we found in our research was at a grass-roots level (i.e. mone changing hands between “finders” and orphanages or between one orphanage and another like Hunan scandal) rather than within the larger governmental system.  Not that any corruption is good, but we felt like the overall system was better than some other countries.  If we were doing it again, I don’t know if I would feel the same way.

To me, the bigger ethical problem is the idea of adopting these “illegal” babies.  Babies with intact families who want them enough to risk life and limb to bring them into the world.   I have written whole posts on how I justified my choice in the past.  Now, looking at my lovely L and wondering how I would leave her if she were illegal for me, the ethical problems sting a little more.

Did we support an unethical, corrupt system with our adoption?  Yes, at the end of the day, I think we did.  Does it do L any good for me to deny that?  I don’t think so.

Theresa says:

“Don’t you find it hypocritical to say that you are pro-choice and then state that you would do everything in your power to prevent your daughter from placing her child for adoption? Shouldn’t the decision be entirely hers, without interference or pressure from other people?”

No. I don’t find it hypocritical at all for me to do everything in my power to protect my children from the life-long losses inherent in surrendering a child for adoption.  I never said I would “interfere” or “pressure” them.  I said I would do everything in my power to prevent it.  By that, I meant I would provide as much material and emotional support as possible, in addition to making sure they had access to any programs/services for which they are qualified.  I would also never shame my children for choosing to parent their children, regardless of their financial or marital status.

Again from Theresa:

“Wasn’t abandonment a problem in China before IA? I really think it would still go on, IA or no IA, and I think it’s misguided to blame adoption for the pain these children suffer.”

Absolutely, child abandonment has always been a problem in China.  But MOST PARENTS in China, even in the very worst of circumstances, do NOT abandon their children.  So I am looking at the anomolies and trying to think about lessoning the impact of the rare occurances.

I don’t believe that ADOPTION hurt L.  I don’t think I ever said that.  If I did, what I meant was the SYSTEM that brought L to me caused huge, huge losses.  This includes (but is not limited to) the laws that may have forced her parents to abandon her, the institutionalization, the complete lack of regard for her attachment to her caregivers, the handing her over to complete strangers with no chance to get to know us, and the sending her to a country where every single thing was different.

To me, adoption by an American family is better than living in an orphanage in China.  But adoption by a Chinese family would have been preferable.   And placement with that family when she was much younger would have been better.  And never having to have been abandoned on the street would have been better yet.  And at the end of the day, L would have suffered the fewest losses if she had been able to stay with her BIRTH FAMILY*. 

There is no reason for China to be doing international adoptions for healthy infants, because there is a strong demand for healthy infants (boys and girls) domestically.  Lots of Chinese families are ready, willing and able to adopt them.  Heck, there are even stories of children being brought INTO China from Vietnam to be “adopted” by Chinese families who desperately want children.   I know plenty of Chinese parents who adopted their children and more than a few Chinese people I have met tell me about the adoptees in their extended families.  Adoptions happen in China, they may be secret, but they are not uncommon.  Keeping these babies in their culture and country would remove one more layer of loss.

It is a complicated problem.  It is a systematic problem.  I am not saying that ending adoptions would solve these problems (please, someone show me where I ever said that??).   I am not saying that I don’t want YOU to adopt, or even that YOU should feel the way I feel.  I was just sharing some of the conflicted thoughts in my own head. 

And of COURSE there are happy adoptees!  Jesus, Of COURSE, I hope L will be happy to be in our family.   OF COURSE, I believe she has every possibility of having a happy, healthy, good life.

I just also happen to think she could have had a happy, healthy, good life with her parents in China.  Or with her extended family in China.  Or with some combination of us and them.  Or with Chinese adoptive parents.  Or at the very least knowing her original identity.

So what is to be done about it?  I don’t know.  Right now, I am still grappling with my feelings about it all.  Next, I am guessing we will begin to deal with L’s feelings and helping her understand why these decisions were made on her behalf, often to her detriment. 

The very least we can do is have a dialog about it, right?  I think deep down, most of us would agree that adoption in the world today is a flawed system. 

The first step is admitting there is a problem.

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*Assuming they are not abusive or neglectful.  Please note I have not used examples like those of children being adopted out of foster care.  Most of the time, I think that that is one of the few adoption scenarios that is more likely to be less ethically sticky.